Batman and the Joker Meet the 70's Show
by Shelle-belle1972
Summary: This is supposed to be really funny and weird. Donna/Joker and Bruce W/Jackie. Rated M cuz they're soooo naughty. They have crazy adventures! Sex, drugs, and rock n roll! Remember, it's supposed to be funny! Please be nice! I'm new at this!
1. Chapter 1

**OK, this is supposed to be funny, and bizarre, and yet somehow, it's getting kind of touching...I'm really starting to LIKE all these people. :)**

A Stupid Batman Joker 70's Show Story!

Chapter 1

Joe

It was a crisp autumn day, and Joker, who's real name was Joe, was hurrying along to get to the restaurant where he was to meet his girlfriend, Donna. He strode purposefully along, smiling even more than usual. He was excited because he planned to ask Donna to become his wife. It was kind of funny, because he hadn't really PLANNED on asking her today, until some stuff just _happened_, like it always seemed to do to him.

Earlier in the day, he had been beating the shit out of a pimp in an alley, attempting to rip him off, when he heard someone behind him. He spun around from the unconscious pimp, and saw a prostitute standing there. The prostitute looked like she had seen better days, but that was okay, because so had Joe. She was kind of fat, wearing a black tank top and a denim miniskirt. Joe debated shooting her immediately, and then he saw the diamond ring sparkling on her finger. They stood still and silent, eyes locked, waiting to see what the other would do. The prostitute trembled, and began backing away from Joe. He jumped off the pimp and came running at her. She turned and started to run, screaming, but it was too late. Joe dived at her and tackled her, knocking her onto her stomach and landing so that he was laying on top of her. She attempted to get away. Joe sat on her back and grabbed her dirty blond hair, pulling her face up so that it was inches from his. "Well, hello, beautiful!" he said, laughing. The whore started screaming, and Joe slammed her face into the concrete, and pulled her up by her hair again. Blood poured out of her nose and down her face. "You had better shut the fuck up," Joe said quietly. She seemed to understand. "What do you want?" she whispered. "Why are you painted up like that?"

Joe laughed and replied, "Well, sweetie, I just wanted to get to KNOW you a little better."

"So, you want to have sex with me?" asked the whore. "That's fine, just let me...."

"NO!" Joe screamed. "I wouldn't fuck you with a stolen dick, you disgusting piece of shit!" He was lying. He'd actually _thought_ about fucking her, briefly, but she was so damn annoying he'd have to kill her first, and he really wasn't into the necrophilia thing. Not his cup of tea.

"I...don't understand....," she began. And, that was fine. Joe didn't really understand, either. He had just thought it would be fun to mess with her for a little bit. But he was already tired of it. He pulled out a switchblade and slit her throat. Dark blood poured onto the pavement. Joe giggled. The hooker collapsed, lifeless, and Joe brought her hand up to look at the diamond engagement ring sparkling on her finger. "Now where did something like you....get something like this?" he whispered. It was exquisite, a flawless emerald-cut diamond in a yellow gold setting. Probably stole it off someone, he figured. Oh, well, he had a plan for it now. Joe tugged at the ring, but it was stuck. He continued to pull on it, frowning.

Fast forward to now, four hours later. Joe was almost to the restaurant. He pulled the ring out of his coat pocket and started giggling. He had almost forgotten! He pulled the prostitute's severed finger out of the ring and slammed it into a nearby trash can. He breathed heavily on the ring, and wiped it on his coat. He couldn't have any of that hooker filth touch his precious Donna.

Oh, Donna. She was so perfect. So special. He couldn't believe that she loved _him_, of all people. She could have had anyone. Donna Pinciotti. He had met her on the subway one day. He was standing there, minding his own business. He turned and saw the pretty redhead looking at him. He was used to people staring at him, and he didn't really mind, but there was something about her. She didn't seem intimidated or offended by him. She looked up from her book, glanced at him, and smiled. It was a genuine smirk, and he knew it was genuine, because her eyes smiled at him, too. He knew he should turn around, but he just couldn't help it. There was something about her....that drew him in. He smiled back at her, and said, "What?"

"Oh, nothing," Donna said. She looked down at her book, and then started laughing hysterically. Joe looked at her and pointed at himself. "Is it my makeup?" he silently mouthed to her. Donna nodded, and scooted over, patting the seat beside her. "Come," she beckoned. "I just wanna know why." Joe sat down beside her, and looked into her smiling eyes, and then he started laughing himself. By the time they reached her stop, they had both laughed until they were in tears and their sides hurt.

"Where are you going?" Joe asked, realizing it was stupid, but unable to help himself.

"I'm just going home," Donna replied. "You wanna go get something to eat?" He nodded. And they had been together ever since that fateful night, nearly a year ago.

Donna was an English major at the local university. She planned to go to graduate school there. Joe had made up a story about the makeup....he told her he was a _mime, _of all the fucking stupid things...God, it had been hard to keep a straight face. Donna found this hilarious, but accepted the story and even bragged to her friends that he was an "artist" of a sort.

It had started as a friendship, something he wasn't totally familiar with, but he did his best...Donna just thought that he was a bit "socially awkward", as she tried to put it nicely......and then, one night, he was over to her house on a Friday night, and they were eating pizza, and watching movies, and drinking too much beer, and smoking a little dope, and Joe just suddenly couldn't hold back any more...he took her into his arms and began kissing her. She pulled back, and Joe tried to stand up off the couch.

"I......I'm sorry....sorry," Joe stammered. Donna stood up, her green eyes searching his.

"Don't be," she said, in a husky voice, and pulled him back down on the couch.

They had made out on the couch for hours, ignoring the movies they had rented, which had seemed so interesting at the video store. They fell asleep like that, cuddled together, giggling like giddy teenagers.

Since then, they were together almost all the time that Donna wasn't at school or Joe wasn't "working".

He found it amusing that she thought of him as so shy and gentle. He wondered what she'd think of his "work". But it wasn't _like_ that with Donna. He _liked_ her. She was fun, and respectful, and smart, and she treated him like a human being. She didn't piss him off like everyone else did. Most people, he just wanted to kind of choke, and then maybe stab a few times, and then shoot in the head.

Joe had become a regular fixture at her small apartment, and spent the night with her more often than not. He was touched by the kindnesses she showed him....washing his clothes, buying his favorite pop, making special meals for him. She baked him pies and cookies, and sat with him on the couch, doing her homework while he watched television. She let him sleep next to her, and snuggled with him, and kissed him _so_ sweetly.....but she wouldn't _put out_. And Joe had _tried_. God, he had tried so hard. Some nights, as she kissed him and loved on him, it was all he could do not to attack her like a rabid dog. But somehow, he held back. Because it was Donna. HIS Donna. The one he would do anything for.

As he'd tried to persuade her for the umpteenth time last night, she'd bit her lip, and whispered in his ear, "I _want_ to, Joe. I want to so bad. But I _can't_, because we aren't _married._" And then, she went to sleep, and Joe was left staring at the ceiling, aching with unfulfilled desire. Drat. Foiled again.

But that stupid little fat hooker today had solved this particular problem. Because, soon, she WOULD be his wife. He was sure of it.

He hadn't really thought much beyond the actual getting married and getting a piece of Donna thing. Joe didn't really like to have plans. They kind of cramped his style. This was the plan for this week. Perhaps, next week, there would be another plan.

Chapter 2

Joe's Proposal

Joe entered the restaurant and looked around for Donna. He spotted her at a table near the back, waving excitedly. He smiled and waved back. A man who worked at the restaurant approached him, looked him up and down in a snooty, condescending manner, and said, "May I HELP you?" Joe glared at him and kind of snarled. The man left. Joe went back to join Donna, grinning.

"Hey, Pumpkin!" he said, sitting down at the small table. "Hey, you!" Donna smiled. "I got you a pop, I didn't know what you'd want to eat, so I didn't order anything else. So, what's going on?"

"Donna.....I've, I've gotta....talk to you," he stammered. God, was this hard for _normal_ guys, too?

"Oh, my God, Joe!" Donna said. "What's going on? Are you okay? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No....nothing like that," Joe replied, "It's just......I've been thinking.....about you, and me, and you, and, well, you're just so perfect, and I love you so much......and I don't know why you want me, but I want you, and I don't know..."

"Jesus, Joe, spit it out!" said Donna. "Are you trying to break up with...."

Joe grabbed the ring out of his pocket and thrust it at Donna, with his eyes closed. When she didn't start screaming or hitting him, he opened one eye, a little, to see what was going on.

Donna was staring at the ring, breathless. She looked up at him and her green eyes met his brown ones. Joe winced. "Oh my God, Joe," she whispered. "It's beautiful."

"So, you like it okay, then?" he asked.

"Well, of course, stupid! LOOK at it!" she smiled and laughed.

"So does that mean, you....are you okay with it if I.....what I'm trying to say is...," Joe began.

Donna looked at him, her eyes filled with tears. She nodded. "Yes, Joe, I love you."

"Now ask me right," she whispered.

Joe grinned. He loved being the center of attention. As long as he knew she wouldn't reject him in front of everyone, he was fine with it.

Joe grabbed the rose from the small vase on the table and held it in his teeth. He dropped to one knee and held her left hand in his. With his other hand, he took the ring and slid it onto her finger.

"Don-na, don-na...the love of my life....," he howled like a dying cow. " Mar-ry me and be my wife!"

Donna laughed as the other patrons in the restaurant cheered him on. "Yes, Joe," she replied.

"What was that?" Joe cried. "I can't HEAR you!"

"Yes, Joe!" she yelled. Joe stood up, took her in his arms, and began kissing her, swinging her around. The people in the restaurant clapped and cheered. Joe felt so...weird. So.....normal. It was odd.

Then, he felt someone tugging on his arm. He turned to see a little girl of about 8 standing beside him.

"Mister," she said. "Are you the _CROW_?"

Chapter 3

Marriage

Joe and Donna finished their meal and left the restaurant, holding hands. They walked down the block.

Donna turned and smiled at him. "You!" she said. Joe smiled back.

She turned and whispered in his ear, "I think we should go and do it _right now_!"

"Are you serious?" said Joe. "That's a great idea! I mean, that's what I want to do!"

She turned to hug him, "I mean, why not? We don't have any family here, either one of us! What have we got to lose?"

"I totally agree!" said Joe. He took her hand and began practically dragging her back to the apartment.

"Wait, stupid!" said Donna. "I mean, are you sure this is what you want?"

"Oh, yes!" said Joe. "I can't remember ever wanting anything more." He started trying to pull her again. "Yep," he said. "I want it. Bad."

"Silly," Donna said. "The courthouse is THAT way." She pointed to the left. "That's where we have to go to get married. You were headed back to the apartment!"

"Oh, well, gee," said Joe, flustered. "It must have been my nerves."

They headed to the courthouse, which, in a town the size of Gotham, is open quite late, and filled out a small paper. They had to present their drivers licenses, but really, the whole thing only took a few minutes and cost very little. Joe was surprised by it. Then, with the paper declaring them to be husband and wife, they went to stand in front of the judge.

"Do I _know_ you from somewhere?" the judge asked Joe.

"I doubt it," replied Joe. "I'm a mime." Donna started laughing. Then Joe started laughing. The judge grinned.

"Well, okay," he said. "So, are you kids ready for this? Do you have a witness?"

"Oh....Jesus....no!" said Donna, "I didn't think about it! Oh, gee.....can I call my friend real quick? Is that okay? I mean, can you wait a minute for us?"

"Absolutely," smiled the judge. Joe shifted from foot to foot.

"Lemme go call Jackie real quick," Donna said, running to the hall.

"Okay," said Joe. He wanted out of here ASAP. Courthouses made him nervous.

"So you're a mime," the judge said to Joe.

"Yup," said Joe. "I mean, yes, sir."

The judge waved at him. "Oh, kiddo, you don't have to be so _formal_ about it. I just...I've never met a mime. Does it PAY well?"

"Not really, sir," replied Joe. The judge smiled at him. Joe smiled back, trying not to look evil or desperately horny, which took a lot of effort.

Donna ran back into the room. "Okay, Jackie will be here in a couple of minutes," she said. "Is that still okay?"

"It sure is," said the judge. "It's always a pleasure doing things like this. Dealing with sweet college kids like you guys. Not like all the other assholes that come through here."

Joe looked at the floor and tried not to laugh or throw up.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Donna asked. "Are you fucking _possessed_?"

"Nothing," Joe said. "It's just....I feel funny....I think I'm going to puke. Oh, my God." Joe put his hands over his mouth. "Yep....just a minute.....Donna....stay RIGHT THERE....I love you....I'm gonna be right back....urp..."

Joe made a mad dash for the bathroom. Donna watched him go, and glanced up at the judge. "Is this normal?" she asked.

"Yeah," the judge replied. "It's his nerves. Don't worry. He'll be fine."

Soon, Jackie arrived with her friend Hyde, and they began the small ceremony. Jackie was the maid of honor, and Hyde, the best man. Donna held a small bouquet her friends had brought for her. It took only a few minutes, and Joe and Donna were officially husband and wife.

After a few minutes of hugging and crying, Jackie gave them a ride back to Donna's apartment.

They entered the small apartment and stood facing each other.

"Wow," said Donna. "This is kinda weird. I haven't ever been a wife before."

"Me neither," said Joe. "I mean, well, obviously not a wife, but I've never been anyone's husband."

"I knew what you meant, silly," Donna said, playfully punching him in the arm.

"Donna," Joe said. "I've gotta take the car.....I've gotta....get some stuff.....you know.......wow, you are just so beautiful.....I'm gonna be right back......I've just gotta get some stuff for tonight, you know...it's gonna be so _special_......wow!" He ran around looking for the keys, finding them on the kitchen table.

He turned and said, "Now, Donna.....hold that thought.......God, I love you SO much.....wow! I'm gonna be RIGHT BACK.....so, like....don't go anywhere.....okay?"

"Yes, Joe, I'm not going anywhere," she said, sitting down on the couch. "Go do whatever this thing is you gotta do, and then then get your ass back here. I'm ready to go to bed."

"Oh, Jesus.....just.......wait a minute.........I will be like 20 minutes......I'm serious! God, you are SO awesome....I just..."

"Joe, get the fuck out of here, and hurry up," Donna said.

Joe pointed at her. "Got ya!" he said, flashed a big, cheesy smile at her, and ran out the door.

Donna sat on the couch and clicked on the television. She grinned at the thought of her goofy, wacky, possibly clinically insane Joe.

Chapter 4

More Drama for Joe

Joe was on a mission as he sped down the street in Donna's little Escort. He was, you might say, a man with a plan. He stopped off at the local supermarket, purchasing a dozen roses, some candles, some liquor, and anything else he could think of that might relax and please Donna. He figured, the better of a mood she was in, the better this was going to work out for him. He wasn't sure whether she'd prefer champagne or mixed drinks. "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor," Joe thought, smiling. Tequila it was. He was getting ready to head out the door, when he noticed the pharmacy counter right next to the exit. An evil thought entered Joe's head, and he sauntered up to the man working there.

"Hey," he called out, and then looked around nervously. "You got any of that Viagra stuff?"

"Viagra?" the pharmacist asked. "What the hell do you need that for? What are you, boy, about 27? 28? And why the hell are you all painted up like that?"

"30," replied Joe. "And....I'm a mime."

"What the heck is that?" the man asked. "Is that like a queer or something?"

"NO!" Joe screamed. "I'm NOT a queer! It's just.....I just got married, and I wanted something...you know....to...make it better. You know....for..._her_."

The pharmacist motioned him up to the counter. "Listen, kid," he said. "You don't need no Viagra! Go in the bathroom and rub one out first. (this thought had occurred to Joe already) You'll be fine. Because you gotta have a prescription for that stuff, and it's expensive, and....just listen kiddo. I can't sell it to you over the counter like that."

"Really?" said Joe. "Are you sure? I've got like $100. You can have it all. You wouldn't have to tell anybody."

"No, " the man replied regretfully. "I can't. Like I said, you've gotta have a prescription. Sorry."

"That's too bad," said Joe.

Joe strolled back out to the car. He heard people screaming behind him, which wasn't a foreign sound to him. He tossed the bag of candles and romantic shit into the passenger seat, opened it up, and tossed an almost full bottle of Viagra into it. He took the scalpel he had used on the man in the store out and wiped the blood from it onto a kleenex, which he threw out the window, giggling. "Oh, shit," he thought. He pulled out a small clear bag which he had lifted off the pimp earlier in the day, and shook it, looking at the white powder inside. He looked at it carefully. He wasn't sure if it was cocaine or methamphetamine. He didn't really care...he preferred coke, but beggars can't be choosers. He dumped a small amount onto one of Donna's CD cases (Fleetwod Mac, the irony of which was not lost on him), smiling as he cut it into tiny pieces with his driver's license and formed it into small lines. He licked the card and his tongue felt numb. Coke. Good. He rolled up a dollar bill and quickly railed the powder up his nose, enjoying the feeling of numbness in his nostrils and upper lip. "Wow," Joe whispered, as a feeling of peace and euphoria enveloped him. "Good shit!" Smiling, he tied the little bag back into a knot and crammed it into a hole in the lining of his coat. Then, before anyone could arrive at the supermarket and cause any trouble for him, he sped back to Donna's.

Chapter 5

Joe Gets Laid, and Gets a Visitor

Joe lay in the bed with Donna napping beside him, her head on his arm, in the soft glow of the candles. He grinned an evil, drowsy grin. Damn, it had been a hell of a day.

She claimed to have been a virgin, but she _was_ 23, and she seemed fairly knowledgeable about what she was doing. Plus, Joe thought, giggling a little, her 'Ouch' hadn't been all that convincing. He didn't really care, although the idea kind of annoyed him, as she hadn't been willing with HIM before. Oh, well.

It had been a first for Joe, in a way. He certainly wasn't a virgin, it was just....he had never had sex where the woman wasn't screaming and trying to get out from underneath him. Not that it wasn't fun like that. Seriously. That was a blast. It was just......this had been different. It was so much _easier_ with the woman being up for it. He didn't have to try to hurry, and he could focus more on how things felt...for both of them. He had _wanted_ to please Donna, and from the sounds she was making while they were going at it, as well as her cute little sex faces, it certainly _seemed_ like she was pleased. (He credited this to the Cosmo magazine he had read, while lying on Donna's couch one day, sick with the flu, while she was away at school. "Your G spot....It's REAL", the article had stated. Apparently, they knew what they were talking about.)

But it was strange. Joe had actually felt something besides lust while he was having sex with her. He didn't know what it was, but something about when she looked deep into his eyes.....he didn't know. It just kind of stirred a _feeling_ in him. A feeling in the pit of his stomach.....he didn't understand it. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not. In a way, he did. In a way, he didn't. Ah, well. While they were making love (for _hours_, by the way...thanks, Viagra!), she had whispered to him sweet nothings; that she loved him, that she needed him....and he had reassured her that he loved her, too. He had wanted to make some sort of lovey comments to her, but he couldn't think of what to say. He tried to think of a romantic movie. As he was kissing her neck, running his hands around in her hair, he moaned, "You had me at hello." Donna promptly started giggling, and Joe, irritated, had said, "What?" "Nothing," Donna breathed. "You are just _so_ silly." Joe was baffled. He thought that had sounded really romantic. He searched his brain for another bright comment. "You _complete_ me," he whispered into her ear. She seemed to like that, judging by the response he got. God, he loved that line. Joe didn't know what to think about the whole deal. He hadn't really thought it out that far in advance.

Joe yawned. He was sleepy. And it was so nice and warm here, with Donna laying on him like she was. But he was kind of hungry (thanks, 3 hour long sex-a-thon!). And he had noticed a lemon meringue pie sitting on the counter...his favorite....and no doubt, it had been prepared with him in mind. He thought he ought to have a piece of that pie, maybe two. But it was so warm and cozy here. But the pie....and he kind of had to pee. He hated to move and possibly wake her up, yet the pie called out to him. He was suddenly starving. Okay, he tried to scoot out from underneath her without waking her up. And then, he heard it. From outside. Someone screaming, furious!

"Joker! Joker! I KNOW you're in there!"

"Fuck ME!" thought Joe. He got up and got dressed.

Chapter 6

Joe Has Company

Joe went outside and crossed the street to a small church cemetary, where he saw the source of all the screaming and commotion. Fucking Batman, just as he'd thought. Here to piss on his parade, like normal.

"WHAT?" screamed Joe. "What is your fucking malfunction?"

"What?????" cried Batman. "What?????? You KNOW damn good and well what! You've been up to no good, and you know it! There was a call that someone dressed up like the fucking _Crow_ had been in a grocery store, and killed a guy, and it had you written all over it!"

"That wasn't me," said Joe. "I was here all night."

"Then what the fuck is this?" asked Batman. "This was left at the scene of the crime." He held up a Joker playing card. "Plus who the hell else dresses up like you?"

"That's a set up!" cried Joe. "I'm SERIOUS!"

"They have you on videotape," replied Batman. "I can tell it's you."

"How?" asked Joe. "That could be anyone!"

"Because, stupid! You got up on the counter, got up in front of the camera, flipped it off, mouthed, "This is the Joker, and I just killed a guy!" and then did a little dance before you ran out!"

"Oh," said Joe. "That was probably not really that smart. In retrospect."

"It was probably retarded! And what is up with you getting MARRIED?" asked Batman. "I mean, I heard about it earlier, and I was thinking, what the hell is up with _that_!?!"

"How'd you hear about that?" asked Joe, innocently.

"I'm dating JACKIE, stupid!"

"Oh," said Joe. He thought about the ways he could possibly make Jackie pay.

"Joe????? Joe???? What are you DOING? Who is over there, Joe?" It was Donna, calling from across the street. She began to walk toward them, tying her robe on tighter.

"I swear to God, you had better keep your fucking mouth SHUT," Joe snarled at Batman.

"I'm cool," Batman replied.

Chapter 7

Donna Finds Out Joe's Secret, and Kicks Some Ass; Crazy Psychedelic Shit Happens

Donna strode across the street to where her husband and the other man were standing. As she got closer, she saw the guy was dressed up like a bat.

"Go back in, sweetie," Joe called. "I'll be there in a second."

Donna continued to approach them. "Shit," said Joe.

"Pumpkin? Sweetie pie? Are you mad? Aw, why so _serious_?"

"That is getting really old," Batman stated. "I am _really_ getting tired of hearing that."

Joe looked at Batman and pretended to scratch his eye with his middle finger. Batman grinned.

Soon, they were all standing in the small cemetary. Donna narrowed her eyes and looked at the strange man. "Are you........Batman?" she finally asked. Joe began smacking his head into a tree.

"Yes," Batman replied, looking at the ground, and then back up to meet her gaze.

"Well, what do you want?" Donna asked.

"My fight is not with you," Batman said quietly, in a raspy voice. "It is with the Joker."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Donna asked. "Joe, WHAT is going on?"

"I can explain," said Joe.

"Whom, you are married to," Batman continued.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!" screamed Joe. "I told you to let ME handle this!"

"He killed someone tonight," Batman said.

"That's impossible!" Donna replied. He's been with me all night!"

"Awww yeah!" Joe grinned. "ALL NIGHT LONG, baby!" He pretended to hump a tombstone, rolling his eyes back in his head and sticking his tongue out the side of his mouth. Batman giggled. This was enough encouragement to get Joe really going. "It was SHAG-A-DELIC, Bay-bay!" he howled, in an Austin Powers impression that was actually quite good.

"Joe, shut up!" cried Donna. He did, although he kept smiling. Like he had a choice.

"It was earlier," Batman said quietly. "He went in a store and killed a guy! It was like 4 hours ago. They have him on tape."

"What the hell are you....Joe, is this TRUE?" Donna asked, her eyes blazing with rage.

Joe shrugged. "I dunno," he said. "I think it's like a setup or something."

"Jesus, Joe! I can't take any more crazy bullshit tonight!" Donna screamed. "What is the DEAL with you? You have been acting like an idiot all night!"

"I was nervous," replied Joe. "I think I'm going to throw up."

Suddenly, they heard a noise from behind one of the tombstones. They all turned around and looked. It was Jack Nicholson, apparently reenacting his role from "The Shining"!

Jack walked toward them, dragging one foot. "Here's Johnny!" he yelled waving an ax.

"You have GOT to be shitting me," Donna exclaimed. "I've already said, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE CRAZY SHIT TONIGHT!"

Donna pulled a flamethrower out, apparently from her ass, and shot Jack Nicholson with a stream of fire. He instantly burst into flame, and began running around screaming.

Batman and Joe started laughing hysterically. "Stop, drop, and roll, bitch!" Joe yelled. Donna glared at them. They shut up instantly and looked at the ground.

"Now, as I was saying....," Donna began, when they heard another noise. They turned to see Clint Eastwood striding purposefully toward them, a pistol in each hand.

Joe immediately pulled a pencil out of his coat and threw it at Clint as hard as he could. The pencil penetrated Clint's eye, went through his head, wrapped around like a boomerang, and returned to Joe.

Clint fell to the ground.

"Good pencil," Joe replied. He blew it as though it was smoking, and shoved it back in his pocket.

"Jesus Christ," said Batman, giving Joe a high five. "You don't mess with the Zohan," replied Joe, and then fell on the ground in a fit of laughter. "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't breathe!"

"Does anyone else wanna go?!?!?" Batman screamed. "You wanna go??? You wanna go?"

Eric Cartman stood up from behind another tombstone. He looked at the two dead men lying on the ground, and then back at Batman, Joker, and Donna.. "Screw you guys, I'm going HOME," he announced, and waddled off.

Batman, Joker, and Donna glanced at each other. Donna folded her arms across her chest. The other two started giggling again. "Can I get a little peace and quiet so I can try to process all this?" Donna yelled at them. "Is that asking too much?"

"I'll be quiet," said Joe, looking at the ground. "I'll be peace," said Batman, flashing a peace sign at her. Joe started giggling again.

"Un-fucking-believable!" she cried, and strode off toward her apartment. Joker turned around, gave Batman an evil glare, and mouthed "Thanks a lot!" at him. He tried to chase after her, talking to her, but she shoved him away. He followed her inside looking like a whipped puppy. Batman smiled. "No more ass for YOU tonight," he laughed. "Maybe not for a _few_ nights."

Chapter 8

The Boys Piss Off the Girls

Donna paced back and forth in the small apartment, smoking a cigarette. She was furious with Joe, herself, and the whole situation. What had she gotten herself into?

"Baby, I can explain," Joe said, giving her a sheepish grin.

"Don't BABY me!" Donna yelled. "What the FUCK, Joe?"

"That guy just doesn't like me," said Joe. "Most of that was just a lie. I think that guy's crazy, mostly."

"You know what, Joe? Or whatever the hell you are? Joker? I don't wanna talk about it any more! Your ass is sleeping on the couch!"

"So, you probably don't wanna fuck again?" questioned Joe. "Cause I thought maybe that would be kinda fun, you know? Like a stress reliever."

"NO, JOE!" Donna screamed. "NO, I DON'T!" She threw a pillow and blanket at him. "Your ass is on the couch tonight!"

"Well, I was just asking," said Joe. "Jeez. If it's because you have a headache, I have some Tylenol." He smiled at her hopefully.

"No, Joe! I don't have a headache! I will talk to you tomorrow! Leave me alone!" Donna went into the bedroom and slammed the door.

"Are we having a marital spat?" Joe called out to her. She didn't respond.

Joe sat on the couch, eating his pie straight from the pan, and pouted. "You will pay, for this, Batman!" he vowed. Billy Mays was on TV. Joe flipped him off. The pie was absolutely heavenly. He planned on eating the whole thing.

Batman headed back to the batcave. He was driving his Ferrari, so it didn't really take very long to get back. Plus, since the Ferrari was also a jet, he was able to fly part of the way, thus avoiding traffic. When he returned, Jackie Burkhart, his girlfriend, was waiting for him.

"So, what's going on?" asked Jackie. "I heard there was a robbery at a supermarket and a guy got killed. Was it the mafia?"

"No," said Batman, removing his suit. "It was the Joker."

"Oh, seriously?" said Jackie. "For real? What did he want?"

"He robbed the pharmacy," replied Bruce.

"So what did he take? Pain pills or something?" Jackie asked.

"No," sighed Bruce. "Viagra."

"Why the hell would he do that?" Jackie asked. Bruce pulled out the videotape and stuck it into the player. Instantly, images of the Joker knifing the man, going through the pharmacy, and leaving his card there played on the huge televisions around the room.

"Oh, my God!" cried Jackie. "That's Donna's husband!"

"I know," said Bruce.

"Well, my God, why would he DO that?" Jackie asked. "Bruce, I had met him before, and he was really nice! I mean, he was kind of shy, but I guess he's like an artist or something."

"Apparently, he was in there getting candles and a bunch of romantic shit, so I guess he was planning up a sexy time."

"So it was because he _LOVED_ her?" Jackie squealed. "He wanted to _SATISFY_ her?"

"Well, sort of, I guess.....I don't know," Bruce replied.

"That is SO ROMANTIC!" Jackie screamed.

"I don't think you're seeing the whole picture here," Bruce said.

"Oh my God, Bruce!" Jackie went up to him and put her head on his chest. "Would you ever kill anyone for me?"

"What....NO, Jackie! What the hell are you talking about?" Bruce asked. "You know the Batman doesn't kill!"

"Well, _would_ you? Like if you _had_ to? Like, if a guy was going to kill me, and the only way you could save _me_ was to kill him?"

"I suppose....it's just.....I don't know, Jackie! Why are we talking about this?"

"Because you don't show any PASSION for me, Bruce! _You_ would _never_ kill anyone for me!" Jackie began to sob. Bruce wondered if she might be insane.

"Why are we fighting?" Bruce asked, baffled.

"I don't know," cried Jackie. "I guess I'm just jealous of what Donna and Joe..I mean, Joker...have."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Bruce replied.

Jackie stormed off in tears into Bruce's bedroom. The next thing he knew, she had tossed a pillow and a blanket out into the other room. "I can't sleep with you tonight, Bruce," Jackie sobbed. "I don't feel loved." She slammed the door.

"But this is my house," Bruce protested. "Dammit!" he thought.

"You know, you're as crazy as he is!" Bruce hollered after her. "You guys are two peas in a pod!"

Jackie didn't respond. "I'm going to the bar!" Bruce yelled. No response. Bruce sighed, went into the kitchen, and grabbed a pint of Ben & Jerry's. He plopped down on the sofa, and flicked on the television. He wasn't going _anywhere_. He took a bite of ice cream. Cherry Garcia. My God. It was exquisite. Billy Mays was on tv. Bruce flipped him off.

**Ok...thank you to anyone who was brave enough to read this utterly insane story. I'm not sure where I am going to go with it next. I think this fabulous four-some needs to have some adventures together, but I'm not sure what yet.**

**Anyway....honest opinions.....it's supposed to be funny....I really hope someone likes it. It was fun as hell to make up. **

**To be continued, maybe....:) if anyone deems it worthy!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 9

Joe Goes Shopping

The next morning, Joe awoke from his uncomfortable sleep with a raging headache. His back hurt, and something was jabbing him in the side, right in his ribcage. He pulled out the remote from underneath him. "Aaah, better!" he thought. He clicked off the television, which was still blaring some kind of nonsense. Wow. He felt like someone had hit him in the head with a shovel (because that had happened to him before, Joe knew _exactly_ what _that_ felt like). He ran his tongue over his teeth. Fuck. Must be a combination of the pills and the liquor. Jose' Cuervo did not seem to be a friend of his. He blinked his eyes, which felt like shit. His head hurt terribly, he ached from having been curled up on a couch that was not nearly long enough for him to stretch out on, and he felt depressed that he had gotten into it with Donna.

He wondered why that upset him so much. Normally, he didn't really give a shit what anyone thought, and certainly had no concerns over upsetting people. In fact, usually thought it was kind of funny. He liked to screw with people just to see what they'd do. He kind of got off on it. Not with Donna. It made him feel kind of sick to his stomach.

He glanced at the bedroom door, which remained closed. Jeez. If fucking Batman hadn't showed up last night and made a scene, he might be getting some action this morning. Well, that wasn't going to be happening. He reminisced about how much he'd enjoyed screwing the shit out of Donna. He also didn't understand why she had refused his suggestion for more sexy fun time last night. I mean, the damage was already done; she was already mad at him. Maybe, it would've made things better. Joe figured he could have put a smile on that face. "Let's turn that frown upside down!" he thought, and giggled. "When you're down, fuck a clown!" He thought about all the sexy shit he wanted to do to her, most of which was probably either illegal or immoral. "No, it's _not_!" thought Joe. "Not if you're _married_!" He liked this marriage stuff. It was like having a freaky sex license.

Joe sat up. Suddenly, his headache got worse. _A lot_ worse. Somehow. "Fuck," whispered Joe. He got up and headed to the bathroom for some Tylenol. He dumped four of them in his hand and chewed them up. "Yuck," he thought. He headed into the small kitchen and looked in the refrigerator. He was kind of hungry, but he didn't really feel like eating anything. He went back out, sat on the couch, pulled his pencil out of his pocket, and looked at it. It still had a small amount of blood and brains on it. That cheered him up a little.

Suddenly, Joe had a great idea! He would go and buy Donna a present! That would surely put her in a better mood. Joe got really excited, like he often did. He wasn't sure what her special present was gonna be yet, but just thinking about it got him all worked up. It would be a wonderful present; something that would convince her once and for all that he loved her. He grabbed the car keys and headed for the door, after making sure he had his little bag of blow and some cash (probably should lay low and not rob anybody, after last night). It was _only_ Saturday. He hoped he could turn her frown upside down by the end of the weekend, preferably ASAP. He didn't like her being mad, although he wasn't really sure why. He liked that even less than her not putting out. Plus, as much as he hated to do it, he needed time to _think_. Joe didn't like to think about things. Except things like bombs and machine guns.

Chapter 10

Donna, Hyde and Jackie Talk, Eric Visits

Donna waited until she was sure her crazy husband was gone, and then got up and sat on the couch, smoking a cigarette. She wondered what the hell he was up to now. With Joe, there was no telling. She just hoped he didn't hurt himself or anyone else. In spite of all that had happened, she adored him.

She called her best friend, Jackie, to let her in on everything that had happened, and see what she thought about everything.

Jackie and Bruce were in the convenient position of knowing exactly what was going on with everyone. Donna knew Bruce, of course, but had no idea that he was also Batman. Joe knew Donna was dating Batman, or at least knew him, but he didn't know Bruce. Jackie _wanted_ to tell Donna so bad, and in fact, had been tempted to tell Donna in the past, but had been sworn to secrecy. Now, she definitely had to keep her mouth shut to keep Bruce out of harm's way. God, it was such a juicy secret, and she was dying to spill it. Secrets were very difficult for Jackie to keep, especially from her best friend.

"Can you pick up Hyde and come over?" Donna asked. "Joe and I got into it last night."

Jackie agreed, and soon, she and Hyde were over at Donna's house.

Donna filled her friends in on the whole story....Batman's visit, Joe's bizarre behavior, the weird people in the cemetary....she laid it all out on the table.

"What do you think?" she asked them.

"Well," replied Hyde. "The guy's definitely crazy. I think I like him."

"Donna," Jackie said. "I think you should give him another chance. I think he really loves you."

"Why?" asked Donna. "All he does is lie and act like an idiot. But for some reason, I love him, too."

"Because," Jackie replied. "I think he's very romantic. I wish Bruce would be as romantic to _me_ as Joe is to _you_."

"What's romantic about him?" asked Donna. "He's lied to me, he apparently killed someone, and he's nuts! How is that making a marriage work? He had fucking _Batman_ over here!"

"I dunno," Jackie said. "I just....see another side to him I guess. He might be crazy....but he's also crazy in love with you. You've got to follow your heart."

"I suppose that's true," replied Donna.

"The heart wants what it wants," said Jackie, wistfully looking at Hyde.

"Uh, uh," Hyde replied. "Been there, done that!"

"So," Jackie asked, with a naughty grin. "How was the sex?" She just HAD to know if the Viagra had been worth it.

"Oh my God!" Donna giggled. "It was pretty good, actually. He likes to go "_downtown_" if ya know what I mean!"

Jackie squealed. "I _thought_ he acted like that kinda guy!"

"And on that note, do you have any weed?" Hyde asked.

"I would have to say it was the best sex I've ever had....but really, I don't have much to compare it to!" Donna and Jackie giggled in an evil way.

"Hey, now....that's not very nice!" said Eric Foreman, walking in the door. Eric was Donna's ex-boyfriend.

"Foreskin!" Hyde said. "How's it hanging?"

"Good, good," Eric responded. "Donna, I see you're as strikingly gorgeous as ever!"

"Oh, my God! _I'm_ the pretty one!" Jackie cried.

"Did you bring over any of your dolls?" Hyde asked.

"_Action figures_!" Eric yelled. "They're _action figures_!"

"Whatever," said Jackie.

"They aren't dolls!" Eric repeated.

"That's cool," said Jackie.

Just then, Joe walked in carrying some sacks and boxes. "Hey, all," Joe said.

"Hey, Joe," said Hyde and Jackie. Eric waved.

"Joe, this is Eric, my ex-boyfriend," said Donna. "Eric, this is Joe, my...husband."

Joe shook hands with Eric. "Pleased to meet ya."

"Hi," said Eric, and then he coughed. "My penis is twice as big as yours."

"Huh?" said Joe.

"Nothing," said Eric. "I just said 'hi' and coughed."

"No, you didn't," Joe said. "You said, 'hi', then you coughed, and then you said, 'My penis is twice as big as yours'."

"Whatever, man," said Eric. "If you have issues with having a small penis, don't blame it on me!"

Joe cocked his head off to the side and looked at him, blinking. Then he turned to Donna.

"Hey, baby......I hope you forgive me!" He gave her puppy dog eyes.

"Joe.............," Donna began.

"Because I sure do love you!" Joe exclaimed.

"Joe...........," Donna started.

"You sure are beautiful today. I got some presents for you! For our new life together," Joe continued.

"JOSEPH!" Donna exclaimed.

"Yes, my precious? My sweet darling? My heart of hearts?" Joe asked.

"Uh, never mind. I'll talk to you later," Donna said.

"Hey, Jackie?" Joe asked. "Are you going out with Batman?"

"What.....NO!" she replied. "Where'd you hear that?"

"Oh, some people were talking about it at the store," Joe remarked.

"No," Jackie replied. "What happened is, I got drunk and fucked him once, and now he thinks we're going out! He is so LAME. I'm going out with Bruce."

"Oh, well, I just wondered," said Joe. "On account of I heard that."

"I suppose I should be going," Eric said, and coughed. "Small penis, small penis. DAMN these allergies!"

Just at that moment, Jackie got a phone call. "What?????" she screamed into the phone. "When??? TODAY?? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God! That's crazy. Yeah, I'm over here right now. Okay. Thanks for calling. I'll talk to you in a little bit." She hung up her cell phone. "Donna," she said. "You wanna go with me.......to get ice cream?"

"I need to?" Donna asked.

"Oh, yeah," Jackie said. "I need help uh.....carrying it."

"I want tutti fruity," Eric said.

"Fag," Joe and Hyde responded, simultaneously.

Eric pointed at both of them. "You guys both have small penises!!!" he screamed, and ran out the door.

Donna and Jackie followed him out.

"Well, what do ya wanna do now?" asked Hyde. Joe shrugged.

Chapter 11

Joe Was Naughty Again, Donna & Jackie Get Ice Cream, Joe and Hyde Get Stoned

Jackie knew, after received the phone call from Bruce, that she was going to HAVE to tell Donna the big secret. She was also going to have to fess up that Joe had been naughty again.

"Okay, Donna," Jackie said after they were both in the car. "I have to tell you something. And you can't tell ANYBODY. Not even Joe. Especially not Joe!"

"What?" asked Donna. "I'm not going to say anything."

"Bruce is Batman," Jackie said. "Now I'm serious, you can't tell anybody! And Joe was bad today."

"Okay," Donna said. "What did he do?"

"Robbed a bank at gunpoint."

"Oh, for the love of GOD!" Donna cried. "Why is this shit happening? This kind of stuff never happened in Point Place!"

"Yeah, sorry," said Jackie. "I knew you'd be mad. But you can't let on that you know about it. And for God's sake, don't tell him about Bruce. I think Joe needs.....maybe....counseling?"

"Ya think?????" Donna said. "Okay, well, I'm cool. Let's just get the ice cream and head back."

"You guys have to get out of town for a few days, until the heat is off," said Jackie. "Why don't you go up and stay at my ski cabin? It can kind of be your honeymoon."

"Okay," agreed Donna.

When they arrived back at the house, Joe and Hyde were sitting on the couch staring at the television.

They turned around and looked at the girls with bloodshot eyes, grinning.

"Yay! Ice cream!" exclaimed Hyde.

"Did you get me sprinkles?" asked Joe. Fortunately, Donna knew his tastes, and his ice cream had a lot of sprinkles on it. Joe took his ice cream and smiled at it. He turned around and looked at Hyde.

"You know why I like sprinkles?" asked Joe. Hyde shook his head no. "'Cause they twinkles!" exclaimed Joe. He then began giggling. Hyde fell off the couch laughing.

"Sprinkles are anti-establishment, man," said Hyde. He gave Joe a high five. They both giggled.

"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Jackie. "Are you guys fucking high?"

"What?" said Hyde. He turned around and looked at Joe. Joe looked at the ceiling and smiled.

"Whatever," said Donna. "It doesn't matter. Joe, Jackie said we can go and stay at her ski cabin for a few days for our honeymoon. Do you wanna do that?"

"Mmmmmm hmmm," said Joe, crossing his eyes.

"Okay, well, I'm gonna go pack us some stuff."

"Kay," said Joe. "Oh, hey, I gotta show you your presents first!!!!

"All right," said Donna. "But we really need to hurry. I wanna get up there before it gets too dark."

Joe jumped up and went in the bedroom. He came out with a sack.

"Okay, this is your first present," he said, and pulled a black see-through nightgown out of it.

"Very pretty," said Donna. "Of course, that's really more for you, but it's very nice."

"I'm not done," said Joe, glassy-eyed. "I've got 2 more! Here's the next one!" He pulled out a gold necklace with a emerald on it. "It matches your eyes," he slurred.

"Wow, Joe! It's gorgeous!" Donna exclaimed. Jackie admired the necklace with her.

"And now, for the grand finale!" Joe cried, and ran into the bedroom. He came out carrying a puppy!

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Donna. "You got me a dog? What is it, a collie?"

"Na," said Joe. "It's a Sheltie. It won't get very big. Look how cute he is!!!!" He shoved the dog at Donna. The dog squirmed around in Joe's arms and tried to lick everybody. "His name is Mister Poo!" cried Joe. Mister Poo jumped into Donna's arms and licked her in the face.

"Awww, look!" cried Joe. "He _likes_ you!"

"Where the hell did you get a dog?" Donna asked.

"At 'Little Baby Puppy Days' at Petco."

"'Little Baby Puppy Days'?" asked Hyde.

"Did I stutter, bitch?" asked Joe. Joe and Hyde burst into laughter over this.

"Okay, well, thanks for everything," Donna said. "We better get packed and get headed up to the cabin. Joe, you reek! When did you take a shower last, you nasty bastard?"

"Friday," replied Joe, cuddling Mister Poo.

"You took a shower yesterday?" Donna asked.

"Well, it was _some_ Friday," Joe said.

"Take a shower NOW!" said Donna.

"Okay," said Joe, meekly.

Chapter 12

Joe and Donna's Honeymoon

After about an hour's drive, Joe, Donna, and Mister Poo arrived at Jackie's ski cabin. They unpacked their stuff and made a quick sandwich. Mister Poo ran all over the cabin smelling everything. Then they sat down on the couch to watch television.

"Boy," said Joe, yawning and stretching his arm behind Donna. "I sure am tired. That was a long drive. Maybe we should hit the sack early tonight."

"Na," said Donna. "I'm gonna stay up and watch the late show."

Joe groaned. Donna decided to torture Joe, just because she felt like he had it coming. She lay down with her head on his lap and watched the television. She lightly stroked his inner thigh with one of her fingers. Joe squirmed. He put his hand on her boob. She took it off.

"Don't," she said. "You're going to traumatize Mister Poo." Mister Poo looked at them and wagged his tail.

She continued to caress his thigh. Joe squirmed in agony.

"Donna, can we _please_ just go fuck?" Joe asked, as sweetly as possible.

"Joe, I don't like that!" Donna said sharply. A look of horror passed over Joe's face.

"You don't like to _fuck_?????" Joe cried.

"No, stupid! I don't like you being so crude!"

"Oh," Joe thought about this awhile. "Can we please go _make love_?"

"See," said Donna, smiling. "You _can_ teach an old dog new tricks!"

"Don't make fun of me for being old!" Joe said. Mister Poo wagged his tail and barked.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 13

Donna and Joe Adjust, Bruce asks Jackie to Marry Him

Donna and Joe returned from their romantic getaway and settled into married life. Every day, Joe went to "work" and Donna went to school. They hung out together in the evenings, watched TV, went out to eat and to go shopping, and took Mister Poo for walks. It was pretty much like any other married couple, except Joe was psychotic. And, because they were newlyweds, they screwed like rabbits. Damn, it was hot as hell! Joe wondered if he'd _ever _get tired of it. (And the answer I'd like to give him is, yes; yes, you will.) He started behaving a little better, only occasionally blowing shit up, probably because he wasn't as frustrated. He'd think about it, and then Donna would come in with her hair in pigtails, licking a lollipop, and he was doomed.

Joe and Hyde became friends. Hyde liked to talk about the government and conspiracies, and Joe liked to talk about anarchy and chaos. Since they usually got fucked up when they were together, they didn't remember much about their conversations, which was probably for the best.

Because Donna and Jackie wanted to hang out all the time, Joe and Bruce were kind of thrown into a quasi-friendship. Damn, that was awkward! What was hilarious about the whole thing was, everyone had a secret. Jackie, of course, knew everything, but she had to pretend she hadn't told Donna. Donna had to pretend she didn't know anything. Bruce knew everything, but he had no idea Donna knew. Joe thought he had the biggest secret of all, what with his "work", but was such a dumb ass, he didn't realize that _everyone_ knew.

One weekend, Bruce and Jackie were hanging out at Donna and Joe's, grilling steaks, drinking, and watching movies. Joe was outside turning the steaks, and Bruce and the girls were in the living room playing drunken truth or dare. Mister Poo was running around chasing his tail and acting like a freak.

"Donna," Bruce said. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth," replied Donna.

"What's your naughtiest sexual fantasy?" Jackie started giggling, and took a swig of her beer.

"Well," said Donna. "I guess I would have to say it would be fucking Batman."

Jackie laughed hysterically, and beer flew out of her nose. "Oh, my God," she thought. "Nice burn!"

"Details! Details!" Jackie yelled.

"Well," Donna said, with an evil smile. "Sometimes when me and Joe are going at it doggy-style, I pretend it's Batman."

Bruce gulped.

Donna got on her hands and knees on the couch and started rocking back and forth. She tossed her long hair over her shoulder, and screamed, "Oh, Batman! Fuck me like an animal!"

"Jesus Christ," whispered Bruce.

"I think you're shit outta luck," Jackie told Donna. "I think Batman's _gay_!"

"Why do you think that?" asked Bruce, giving her an irritated look.

"Well look at the way he's always following the Joker around. I think he wants to be his bitch," Jackie said.

"What about Catwoman?" Bruce asked.

"What about Robin?" Jackie countered.

"Batman was going through a difficult time!" Bruce stated, frowning, and took a swig of beer.

Joe walked in. "Hey, Bruce," he said. "You wanna go to the liquor store with me?"

"I can't," said Bruce. Joe looked at him quizzically.

"I can't stand up," Bruce continued.

"Why not?" said Joe.

"I'm.....having a leg cramp," said Bruce.

"Oh," said Joe.

"Hey, Joe, you wanna play truth or dare?" Jackie asked.

"I guess," replied Joe.

"Okay, truth or dare?" she said.

"Dare," said Joe.

"I dare you to let me do your makeup."

Bruce and Donna started laughing.

"All right, whatever, I guess," said Joe, sitting down. Jackie ran over and sat down beside him, makeup kit in hand.

"Okay, you have brown eyes," she said. "What color's your hair?"

"Kinda greenish blond," replied Joe.

"No, stupid! What color's it supposed to be?" she continued.

"Light brown," responded Joe.

"Do you tan well?" Jackie asked.

"Average," replied Joe. Donna and Bruce snickered.

"Okay," said Jackie. "I think you're a 'winter'."

"All right," said Joe. Jackie took off his black eyeliner with a cotton ball and makeup remover. "You should start wearing _purple_."

"I like purple," said Joe. "I wear a lot of it."

"I know you do, sweetie. Purple really makes brown eyes _pop_," Jackie went on, applying a dark shade of purple to his lids and underneath his eyes. Bruce and Donna snickered. Jackie lathered on a huge amount of dark purple eyeliner, just the way Joe liked it.

"Now, look!" she said to Donna and Bruce, holding Joe's chin in her hand. "Look at those pretty brown eyes! You are just _too_ adorable!"

"Rock on," said Joe. "See, I didn't know that about purple! Isn't that great, Donna?"

"Sure," she said, smiling.

"Okay," Bruce said. "This is for _both_ the newlyweds. Tell me the best things about being married."

"Well," said Donna, looking at Joe lustfully. "It's great to be able to screw 24/7." She swan dived Joe and pinned him to the couch. "Oh, Joe," she moaned. "I want you so bad! I want you _inside of me_!" Donna straddled Joe and started grinding away on him as they French kissed. Joe moaned with desire. He started rubbing her butt, and then ran his hands up under her shirt, caressing her back.

"Oh, baby, baby!" Joe groaned. "Oh, my _Puddin_!"

"Joe, I've been a bad, bad girl," Donna purred. "I need a spanking! I'm so _naughty_!"

Joe slapped her on the ass. "Aw, yeah!" Donna said. "Make it sting!" She continued to dry hump him. Joe's eyes rolled back in his head and he moaned, making an utterly horrifying sex face.

"Uh, oh! Naughty Donna woke up Mistah J!" Joe said in mock horror.

"Oh, Mistah J!" Donna moaned, whipping her hair around. "Don't _hurt_ poor little Donna!"

"Ummmmm, guys?" Jackie said. "Can we keep this PG-13?" Jackie and Bruce sat with their mouths hanging open, watching in horror.

"Sorry," said Donna, sitting up and wiping Joe's makeup off her mouth. He winked at her, and she nodded.

"Okay, _that_ was just _creepy_!" Jackie replied.

"Of all the disturbing things I've seen in my life, that has got to be in like the top three," Bruce said.

"Bruce, go check the steaks," Joe said.

"You," said Bruce.

"I can't," said Joe.

"Why?" asked Bruce.

"'Cause I've got a boner!" Joe said, placing a pillow over his crotch. Mister Poo ran up to him and began licking him in the face.

Donna rolled her eyes. "I'll do it," she said, standing up and going out to the grill.

"What else?" asked Bruce, looking at Joe.

"Just a boner," said Joe. He looked under the pillow. "I think it'll go away," he said. "I hope." He poked it. "Not yet!" he exclaimed.

"No, I meant what else about being married?"

"Oh," Joe thought about it. "_Companionship_," he finally said.

"Anything else?"

"Love!" squealed Jackie.

"Yeah, all that mushy shit," replied Joe. "It's all unicorns and rainbows and sparkles."

Jackie clapped her hands in delight.

"Well, the reason I was asking," continued Bruce. "is I think I've found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." He turned and faced Jackie. He pulled a small box out of his coat and opened it, revealing a huge sparkling diamond engagement ring. "Jackie, will you by my wife?"

Jackie looked at him wide eyed, and then started squealing. "Oh, yes, Bruce! I would LOVE to be your wife!" He took out the ring and placed it on her finger. Joe threw up in a small trash can beside the couch.

Donna came back in carrying the steaks. She looked at everyone. "What did I miss?" she asked.

"Those two just got engaged," Joe replied.

"Oh Donna, look at my ring!" Jackie cried. "It's even bigger than yours! Because Bruce is rich!"

"Nice," said Donna.

"So, when are you gonna get married?" asked Joe.

"Well, I was thinking....it might be fun to run off to Vegas and elope," said Bruce. "You guys could come with us and stand up for us."

"Can we bring Mister Poo?" asked Joe.

"Probably not," said Bruce.

"Aw," said Joe.

"Hyde can watch him," Donna replied.

"We can take my Hemi Cuda convertible, though," said Bruce. "You can drive, Joe! It's Plum Crazy Purple!"

"Sweetness!" said Joe. "Crazy AND purple. To bring out my eyes."

Chapter 14

Road trip!

After packing a few things and dropping off Mister Poo at Hyde's, the gang piled in the Cuda and headed off toward Vegas. Joe was driving, Donna was in the front seat, and Bruce and Jackie were making out in the back. Pretty soon, Jackie had her shirt off and they were pretty much going at it, to the delight of all the truckers they were passing on the road, who kept honking and waving.

"Hold it down back there, whores!" screamed Joe, as they whizzed down the highway.

"Fuck off, Mistah J!" yelled Jackie.

Joe looked at his crotch. "Oooooh, she's talkin' to ya!" he exclaimed. When his crotch didn't respond, Joe became irritated. "Pay attention!" he screamed, made a fist, and racked himself.

"Owwwwww!" Joe cried. "Fuck! Donna, fix it!"

"Joe!" Donna yelled. "Stop smoking crack!"

"I did," lied Joe.

"Damn, Bruce, I didn't know you had a CB radio in here! Kick ass!" Joe picked up the CB and flicked it on, "Uh, breaker one-nine...this here's the Rubber Duckie! You got a copy on me, Pig-Pen?"

Donna started laughing. A semi pulled up along side them, and the driver glared at Joe. Joe sneered back at him, pushed in the button on the CB, and said, "Candy cane.......Candy cane!"

'Freak on a Leash' came on the radio. "Oh my God, Joe," Donna said. "It's our song!" They started jumping around and acting like retards.

By this time, everyone in the car was in hysterics. "Shit!" cried Jackie. "I have to pee!"

Joe pulled into a truck stop, and said, "Well, why don't you wash your smelly fish hole while you're in there?"

"Fuck you," laughed Jackie, hitting him in the back of the head.

"Don't hit people in the head!" yelled Joe. "The victim gets all fuzzy!"

They all went into the truck stop to pee and get pop and snacks.

When they went up to pay for their stuff, Bruce noticed Joe was looking at the guy working the cash register funny. "Uh, oh," he thought.

Joe turned around and whispered to Bruce, "Is that Elvis Presley?"

"No," replied Bruce. "Elvis Presley's dead."

"I think it_ is_," said Joe. "Elvis Presley reminds me of my father. I _hated_ my father."

"Here we go," thought Bruce.

They plopped all their shit up on the counter. They had a pop for everyone, some cigarettes, some candy bars, and some chips. Joe glared at the man. The man gave him an odd look and started ringing the stuff up.

"I fucked Lisa Marie," said Joe.

"Huh?" said the Elvis-like guy.

"And it begins," sighed Bruce.

"I said, "Oh fuck, I gotta pee," replied Joe.

"The bathrooms are in the back," the man replied.

"Did you get my Nibs?" cried Joe. "I don't see them. I _have_ to have them!"

"You didn't have any Nibs up here," Elvis guy said. "They're right down there on that shelf."

"Are you toying with me?" Joe asked. There was a pencil on the counter. Joe picked it up and tried to get it to stand up on the counter. "You wanna see my trick?"

"Joe, go get in the car! I have it!" said Bruce.

"Well......okay," said Joe. "Don't forget my Nibs!" He reached up on the counter, grabbed the pencil, and ran out the door.

"What the fuck?" Elvis guy asked Bruce. "What's up with your friend?"

"He's had a little too much to drink," replied Bruce, throwing a package of Nibs on the counter.

Chapter 15

Children of the Corn!

The gang drove for several hours until it got late, and then they decided to stop for the night. They stopped in a really small town in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by rolling fields of corn. There was a little motel there, so they pulled in and got a room so they could rest.

Bruce and Jackie kept making out like two dogs in heat. Joe and Donna watched tv. Joe ate his Nibs. It was kind of boring.

"I wish Mister Poo was here," said Joe. He put some Dr. Pepper in a cup and was dipping his Nibs in it and eating them.

"Why do you do that?" Donna asked.

"Because it's delicious," Joe said.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"I don't _KNOW_!" cried Joe, telling the truth.

Jackie got up and said, "I gotta go get my weed!" She headed for the car.

"Get my cigarettes," Joe called after her.

"What do you say?" yelled Jackie. "Get my cigarettes, what?"

"Get my cigarettes, bitch?" asked Joe.

"You suck little boys!" Jackie yelled. She threw her purse at Joe and hit him in the head. Her purse came open and a bottle of pain pills fell out.

"Fuckin-A!" yelled Joe. "Can I have these?"

"Not all of them," replied Jackie. "We have to share."

They each took about 4 pain pills and chewed them up. "We're gonna be trippin' balls!" exclaimed Bruce.

"This is boring as hell!" exclaimed Donna. "Let's go to the bar!"

"There isn't a bar here," said Jackie. "There's only like 30 people live here!"

"This is that place from Children of the Corn, I think," whispered Joe. Then he perked up. "Come on, Bruce!" he said. "Let's go to the liquor store!"

"Why do I have to go?" said Bruce. "You always embarrass me!"

"'Cause you're my bitch," he said, poking Bruce with a pencil.

Bruce and Joe went to the liquor store and got some beer. They came back to the room and started playing quarters. Everyone was tripping out from the pain pills and was really piss drunk.

Suddenly, Jackie screamed, "Oh, my God! You guys! Look!" She pointed at the window. A bunch of children were staring in at them.

"I told you it was the Children of the Corn town," Joe said. "I _recognized_ it."

"Why don't you guys start fucking?" Bruce asked. "That'll scare 'em away!" Donna flipped him off.

"You guys, I'm serious!" Jackie screamed.

"Why so...," started Joe, and Jackie poked him in the eye. "Knock it off!" she screamed.

"Let's just turn off the light and maybe they'll go away," said Bruce.

"Ooooh, that'll work," Joe said. Bruce punched him.

"Everyone stop beating me up!" Joe screamed. "I'm sick of it!"

"Let's just see what they want," said Donna. She opened the door.

"We have come to take you to He Who Walks Between the Rows," the children said, in unison.

"I told you," Joe said. "No one ever listens to me. Sometimes, I'm right."

Donna sighed. She suddenly had a Kill Bill suit on and had a large machete. She expertly chopped the children into tiny pieces with the razor sharp blade. She stood there, hair blowing in the wind, an evil grin on her face.

"You are so fucking hot right now I can't take it!" screamed Joe. He jumped her and they started making out and humping furiously.

"Get out the sex music!" Donna screamed.

"It's right here!" Joe hollered, pulling a CD case out of his coat pocket. He slammed it into the stereo and instantly the room was filled with the sounds of Reo Speedwagon. They continued making out and screwing. It was incredibly sexy and yet horrifying.

"Let's go for a walk," Bruce said to Jackie.

"Please," she agreed.

Chapter 16

Vegas!

The gang continued westward the next morning. Joe and Donna took turns driving most of the way while Jackie and Bruce got it on in the back seat. It was a pretty crazy road trip. They stopped every once in a while for gas and munchies. Joe ate lots and lots of Nibs and CornNuts, which were his two favorite foods. Everyone drank a lot, smoked a lot, and took a lot of pills. It was kind of a psychedelic good time.

They arrived in Vegas after a couple of days. They decided they'd party it up for a day or two, hit the wedding chapel, and then hang around a couple more days before heading home. Bruce, being rich, had rented a huge suite for a motel room. They had huge soft comfy beds, a wet bar, a hot tub in the room, and a beautiful view of the strip.

"Yay!" said Joe jumping up and down on the bed. "We have a chandelier!"

"Joe!" said Donna sharply. "Get off the bed! How fucking old are you?"

"33!" screamed Joe.

"I thought you were 30!" said Donna.

"How do you expect me to remember?" asked Joe. "It was a long time ago!"

"Why don't you guys run down to the casino," suggested Jackie. "We'll.......join you in a little bit."

"Didn't you get enough in the car?" asked Joe. "It's our turn!"

"Come on, Joe," said Donna.

"Okay," said Joe, dejectedly.

They went down to the casino and walked around, but it was pretty boring. They decided to go to Wal-Mart.

**I changed this because I didn't like it.....I don't know what to do with it....I can't think what to have them do. It's funny, and I really like all of them, but I don't know what to make them do.**

**Maybe when they get back one of the couples (or both!) can have babies!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 16

Wal-Mart Drug Buy, Kinky Limo Sexy Fun Time

They walked around Wal-Mart awhile and Joe picked up some dark purple eyeliner for his "new look". It was pretty late at night, and there were a lot of other weirdos in the Wal-Mart. Joe chased people around and acted like an asshole.

"I have to pee," said Donna. When she came out, Joe was talking to a scrubby looking guy outside. She saw him cram something in his pocket. The other man left.

"What's in your pocket, Joe?" she asked.

"Just my Nibs," Joe responded.

Donna tackled him and dug a little bag out of his pocket. The bag contained a white powdery substance.

"What is this?" she asked.

"Crystal meth," replied Joe. "It was on clearance."

Donna started punching him in the eye. "You dickhead!" she screamed. "I thought you were giving up hard drugs!"

"It's just while we're in Vegas, baby," Joe crooned. "I was gonna share. I got you some stuff, too!" He pulled out a sheet which appeared to have little stamps all over it. There were about 30 of the tiny paper squares.

"What's that?" Donna asked.

"Why, it's.......liquid weed!" Joe exclaimed.

"Really?" said Donna. "I've never heard of that!"

"Yeah, me neither!" said Joe. "I think it's new. Just put em on your tongue and let em dissolve!"

"Should I just take one?" Donna asked, ripping off a square and placing it on her tongue.

"Probably," said Joe, cramming about 6 of them in his mouth. He then proceeded to go behind the store and snort several fat lines of speed. He did a little meth dance, while his eyes watered and he screamed, "Ow! Ow!" He offered the straw to Donna, but she declined. They decided to head back to the motel to see if their friends were done screwing.

As Donna walked along, she noticed shit was starting to look really weird and trippy. Trees were all wiggly, the ground was pink, and the sky was purple. Joe ran ahead of her like a maniac, and she could barely keep up with him, even though she was longer-legged than he was. It appeared to Donna that the "liquid weed' was affecting her much more strongly than it was Joe. Of course, Joe was all kinds of fucked up, too. For every block they'd walk, Joe would get about a half a block ahead of her. Then, he'd have to stop and wait, during which time he might climb a tree, or go through a trash can, or possibly just stand there jumping around.

"Hurry, hurry, hurry!" yelled Joe impatiently, waiting for her as he hopped around and ground his teeth down to nubs. "We gotta hurry because everyone is waiting for us and the colors are yelling at me!" He ran back and joined Donna. "Especially yellow," Joe frowned. "He's really mad!"

Donna couldn't believe the effects the "liquid weed" was having! Everything looked like a Dr. Suess book! It was insane!

"Joe, is the ground pink?" she asked.

"No, no, no, no!" Joe screamed. "It's sparkly and beautiful!"

Finally, they made it back to the motel. They met up with Jackie and Bruce, who were ready to go to the wedding chapel.

"You better drive," Joe told Bruce.

"Na, I rented a limo so we can get fucked up," Bruce replied.

"Even better," said Joe. When the limo got there, they all piled in the back, and Joe pulled out his stash and shared with everyone.

"How long til we get there?" Jackie asked.

"About 15 minutes," Bruce responded.

"Time for a quickie!" screamed Joe. He pushed Donna down in the seat and climbed on top of her. They began making out and sticking their tongues pretty much down each other's throats. Donna wrapped her legs around Joe, and he fumbled around with his pants briefly before apparently getting things adjusted so they could have sex. He put his hands under her ass and pulled her closer to him. Donna gasped and let out a low moan, then began furiously clawing at Joe's back. Joe groaned with pleasure, his eyes crossed.

"Oh, Joe.......the sexy music!" Donna cried.

Joe grabbed his Reo Speedwagon CD out of his coat pocket and threw it at Bruce and Jackie, who sat in horror at having to watch yet another of Joe and Donna's sexcapades.

"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Bruce. "I don't fucking think so!"

Joe tore his lust-filled eyes from Donna for a few seconds to glare at Bruce. He narrowed his eyes, snarled, and pulled a pencil out of his pocket, waving it around threateningly.

"Oh, all right," said Bruce.

"We are NEVER vacationing with you sluts again!" Jackie exclaimed.

Bruce placed the CD in the stereo and instantly the back of the limo was flooded with Reo Speedwagon.

"That's the ticket!" Donna cried, grinding into Joe harder as they continued to fuck. Joe panted and bit his lip. He took Donna's face in his hands, gently, and began singing to her.

"'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.............," he crooned. He was not a particularly good singer. Bruce and Jackie wanted to laugh, but they were kind of afraid at the same time. They decided it best to sit in silence and think about something else. This got more and more difficult as Joe and Donna got louder and more vocal about their sexy time.

"Oh, JOE!!!!!!" Donna screamed. "Fuck me harder! Oh, yes!!"

"Oh, Donna!!!! Oh, my God, Oh, my God!" Joe cried. "I'm _almost_ there!"

"Me, too, baby!" she screamed. "You do it _just right_!"

Bruce threw up in his mouth, but as there was no trash can in the limo, was forced to swallow it. Tears ran down Jackie's face. She looked up at Bruce, sadly.

"Close your eyes, baby, and go to a happy place," Bruce whispered. Jackie obeyed. Bruce placed his hands over her ears so she wouldn't have to hear.

Right when they got to the wedding chapel, Joe and Donna "finished up". This involved a lot of screaming, clawing, biting, and writhing around. Bruce and Jackie knew after witnessing this horror, they would never be the same again. Part of their innocence had been forever lost. This was the stuff nightmares were made of.

Chapter 17

Bruce and Jackie get Married! More Limo Sex!

When they entered the wedding chapel, they were met by a man dressed up like Elvis who would be performing the ceremony. Joe began to get worked up because he didn't like Elvis, but Bruce told him it was just a guy dressed up, and Joe seemed to accept this.

The ceremony itself didn't take long. Joe and Donna had to sign a paper since they were the witnesses. Pretty soon, Bruce and Jackie had made it official! The gang piled back into the limo.

"Just so you know, we're fucking on the way back, and you guys have to watch!" exclaimed Bruce, undoing his pants.

"Aw," said Joe.

"It's only fair," said Jackie. She pulled her underwear off under her wedding dress and threw them out the window, straddling Bruce, who was laying back on the seat with a giant boner.

"She's right," Donna replied. "It IS only fair."

"Can we fuck, too?" asked Joe.

"Joe!" yelled Donna.

"I mean, can we make love, too?" asked Joe.

"Nope," said Bruce, who was having the time of his life getting ridden by his new wife in a limo.

"Aw," said Joe. He lit up a cigarette and looked out the window so he didn't have to watch Bruce and Jackie's lovemaking. It was bad enough he had to hear it. He chewed on his Nibs thoughtfully. Donna put her head on his shoulder. Joe put his arm around his wife, hugging her more closely next to him.

Chapter 18

The Gang Goes Out to Eat!

When they got back to the motel, everyone tool a shower so they didn't smell like tuna. Then, they wondered what to do!

"Since this is our wedding night, and my first official day of being Mrs. Bruce Wayne, I say we go out for a fancy meal and then to a nice bar or something," Jackie said.

"That sounds kinda fun," Bruce agreed.

"But we don't have anything fancy to wear!" Donna exclaimed.

"Oh, that's OK," said Bruce. "I'm rich! I'll call and order us tuxes and evening gowns!"

Jackie clapped her hands and squealed. "This is gonna be so much _fun_! I want a blue dress!"

"I guess I want a green one," said Donna.

"I'm just gonna wear this," said Joe. "It's kinda my signature piece."

"No!" yelled Jackie. "You need to wear a tux!"

"I want a purple one, then," said Joe.

"It _has_ to be black," Jackie said. "Otherwise, you're gonna look like a fag!"

"Aw," said Joe. He went over to the mirror and started putting on makeup.

"No," said Jackie. "Don't do that either!"

"The makeup or the tux!" Joe countered. "You pick!"

"All right," Jackie sighed. "The tux." Joe turned around and started putting on his makeup again.

"I wish Mister Poo was here!" he exclaimed. "He loves me for _me_!"

Pretty soon, everyone was all fancied up, and the limo swung by and got them.

"We're going to the Hard Rock Cafe," Bruce said. "It's a big deal! We might see someone _famous_!"

"I'm afraid," said Joe to Donna. "Hold me!" She wrapped her arms around him. Joe didn't like famous people or fancy things, but he _did_ like blowing those things up. He felt so out of place in a tux!

They finally arrived at the restaurant, where they were seated at a fancy table. They were given a bottle of champagne and menus so they could decide what they wanted.

Everything on the menu was fancy and expensive. Joe wanted a chili cheese dog, but they didn't have that. Finally, with Donna's help, he decided on prime rib. Donna had prime rib, as well. Jackie had shrimp, and Bruce had oysters, because he wanted to see if they would really make him horny. They drank champagne and waited for the food to come.

"I'm hungry," said Joe. "I wonder if they have any _Grey Poupon_?"

"It's from all that fucking," Bruce offered. Joe glared at him, and his stomach growled loudly. Donna giggled.

"It's not funny!" exclaimed Joe. "I forgot my Nibs!" He looked around and sniffed the air. "It smells like food in here, and it's making it worse!" He pouted briefly, then in a fit of ADHD, pulled out a couple of pencils and pretended they were drumsticks, pounding on the table.

"That reminds me," Bruce said. "The Offspring is playing in town tonight! When we get done eating, we should go to a concert!"

"Hey, that would be fun!" Jackie exclaimed. "You guys wanna do that?"

"Sure," Donna and Joe responded.

Soon, the food arrived, and everyone scarfed it down like the filthy pigs they were.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 19

The Gang Goes to A Concert!

After everyone got done eating, they went back to the motel and changed. Donna decided to wear her Kill Bill outfit. Then, they headed out to the concert. When they got there, they noticed that there were a lot of people there and everyone was really fucked up. So obviously, they decided they should be, too!

"Look, there's Lindsey Lohan over there!" remarked Bruce. "I bet she has some drugs!"

"I'll go see," said Joe. He went over and talked to Lindsey briefly, and the two walked off somewhere together.

When Joe came back, he was really pissed off! "Well, that was a rape!" he exclaimed. "It better be worth it!" He pulled out some Ecstasy tablets and some weed.

"Why, how much was it?" asked Bruce.

"No, I'm saying, I actually _got raped_ for it," Joe replied. "I had to eat her skanky hair pie for like 15 minutes over it! And she kept calling me Beth the whole time! It was creepy!" He spat a little bit and pulled a pube out from between his teeth. He examined it carefully and started laughing. "Look!" he said, smiling. "It's _brown_!"

"Ha!" said Jackie. "At least Donna's carpet matches her drapes!"

"How do you know that?" asked Bruce.

"Never mind," replied Jackie.

"Joe, go brush your teeth!" Donna exclaimed. "You smell like herpes and misery!"

Joe headed off to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got back, everyone took 2 Ecstasy pills and chewed them up. Then, they proceeded to rock out!

After about an hour, Donna said, "I don't think those pills are any good. I can't even feel them!"

"Me neither," said Bruce.

"Just a minute," said Joe. He left and then came back covered in blood!

"What happened?" cried Donna.

"I got cut," said Joe.

"Oh, my God!!!!!" someone screamed. "Lindsey Lohan's dead!"

"We probably should leave now," said Joe.

Chapter 20

Back at the Motel!

The gang ran out and got in the car and headed back to the motel.

"I can't believe you killed Lindsey Lohan!" Bruce said to Joe.

"It's not wrong, is it?" Joe asked.

"No, of course not," Bruce chuckled. "Obviously, it's RIGHT! I mean, who _didn't_ want to?"

They went back to the hotel and sat in the hot tub and kept drinking and taking pills. The Ecstasy must have had something good in it, because they were all lovey and huggy on each other.

"I love you guys so much!" exclaimed Jackie. "We have the _bestest_ times when we're together!" She ran around and hugged everyone. She licked Donna on the side of the face. "You taste like a strawberry!" she exclaimed.

"I love you guys, too!" cried Joe. "You guys are shiny! And good like Skittles!"

"I peed in the hot tub!" Donna exclaimed. "It felt warm and foxy and smooth!"

Then everyone pretty much passed out.

Chapter 21

Jackie's Pregnant!

The next morning, everyone was pretty much laying around with hangovers wishing they were dead. Suddenly, Jackie came running out of the bathroom carrying a pregnancy test.

"Oh, my God you guys! I'm pregnant!" she announced. Bruce went up to her and gave her a kiss.

"Congratulations," Donna said. "But now you have to quit drinking and drugging."

"No, silly!" Jackie exclaimed. "It's not like that for us because Bruce is rich! If you're rich you don't have retarded kids no matter what! That would maybe happen if you guys had a baby!"

"Maybe we should have a baby, Joe!" Donna said. Joe was reading his horoscope. He wasn't really sure what he was, so he just kind of read all of them and then picked the one he liked. Today, he was a Leo.

"Okay," said Joe. "Do you wanna fuck, then?" Donna slapped him.

"I just don't wanna wait til I'm 40 to have a baby," Donna said. "Then I'll be all old and shit when the kid is in high school."

"I'm almost 40," said Joe. "I'm 38."

"I thought you were 33!" Donna said.

"Nope," said Joe. "I'm 38." He pointed at the Chinese horoscopes beside the other ones. "Because I'm definitely a 'Dog'." He smiled. "Dogs are _loyal_."

Donna hit him in the head. "You're fucking gay!" she exclaimed. "I can't believe you don't know how old you are!"

"What?" said Joe. "I can't remember! Why does everyone hit me all the time? Do you know how many bruises I have?"

"You guys, stop fighting over stupid shit like Joe's mental illnesses!" Jackie exclaimed. "Let's focus on me and my healthy, pregnant glow!"

After a couple of days, the gang returned home. Jackie started trying to do less drinking and drugging (even though she knew it wouldn't hurt the baby because they were rich). It was pretty difficult, because they were all such terrible crackheads!

One day, Jackie and Bruce were over visiting Donna and Joe. Jackie was getting really big and pregnant, and Donna was pissed off about it because she wanted to be pregnant, too.

"Let's have a baby, Joe!" she exclaimed.

"Do you really think that's gonna turn out well?" asked Bruce. "I mean, seriously. Is that a good idea?"

"I dunno," said Joe. "What if the baby's crazy?"

"It won't be," said Donna. "'Cause it will have my DNA in it."

"That would be so much fun!" said Jackie. "Then we could be pregnant at the same time! I mean, it's not like we can share maternity clothes or anything since you're an Amazon and I'm a midget, but still!"

"See?" said Donna. "I'm gonna go off my pill!"

"Can I go off my pills, too?" asked Joe.

"Probably not," said Donna. Mister Poo jumped up on her lap and began licking her in the face. "Would you like to have a little brother or sister?" she asked the dog.

"I got my ultrasound done today!" Jackie exclaimed.

"Are you having a boy or a girl?" Joe asked.

"It's a girl!" she squealed. "I'm so excited! And I want you guys to be the godparents!"

"Hey, now," said Bruce. "Maybe we should talk about that."

"Bruce, who better to raise our baby if we were killed in some horrible accident then our best friends?" Jackie asked.

"A monkey at the zoo?" Bruce responded. Jackie poked him in the eye.

Donna threw her pills in the trash. "I can't wait til I'm pregnant!" she exclaimed. Jackie clapped her hands with glee. Bruce sighed and rolled his eyes. Joe picked his teeth with his pencil. Mister Poo took a giant crap in the kitchen.

Chapter 22

Donna Tries to Get Pregnant!

Donna made it her personal mission in life to become pregnant. This meant Joe was getting a lot of action. A LOT. He was good with it for like the first day. Then he was kind of accepting of it for about two more days. After that, he made it his personal mission to hide from Donna to avoid getting raped.

Joe came home about 1 am one day. He tried to get in the house quietly, and make his way to the couch so he could take a little nap before sneaking out again in a couple of hours. He was exhausted and sore as hell. He tiptoed carefully toward the couch, and then tripped over Mister Poo and fell on the floor, spraining his ankle.

"Ow, shit!" he screamed.

"Joe, is that you?" Donna called out.

Joe tried to stay very quiet and still. "Maybe she'll go back to sleep," he thought hopefully.

"I'm ovulating," Donna called out. Joe began to cry silently.

Donna appeared in the doorway. She was a vision of loveliness, with her long wavy red hair, silky skin, and emerald eyes. She had on a long black silky nightgown. She would have been absolutely delectable, had Joe not already had to hit it 40 times this past week.

Joe began backing up, scooting into a corner, dragging his sprained ankle. Donna approached him. He turned to face the corner, crying, getting eyeliner all over the wall.

"Joe, come on," Donna said. "I'm ovulating!"

"No, woman! For the love of God!" Joe screamed in terror. "Get thee back from me, Satan! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" He made a cross with his fingers and pointed it at her, horrified.

"I don't like it any more than you," Donna said, trying to get his pants off him. "But it has to be done."

"I'm so sore....," Joe whispered, as Donna pounced on him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 23

Donna's Pregnancy!

Finally, Donna got knocked up! Joe was so thankful that he could finally get a good night's rest without having to put out! Donna tried to take care of herself, and went to the doctor like she was supposed to and took her prenatal vitamins. Since they were pretty broke, she gave up drinking and drugs, as she didn't want to hurt the baby. Of course, they still blew about a quarter of their finances on liquor and drugs, so Joe was able to stay fucked up most of the time, which was awesome fun! He sort of developed a raging cocaine habit.

Jackie's pregnancy progressed normally, and she really enjoyed it. She glowed with radiant pregnant health. She and Bruce enjoyed getting the nursery ready for their new addition, whom they decided to name Josephine (Jo for short) in honor of Joe (who actually _was_ honored about this).

Donna, on the other hand, was not one of those gals who had a pleasant pregnancy. She puked a lot, her boobs ached, and when she started getting really big, her back bothered her. Joe, like many guys, found her pregnant appearance incredibly sexy in a primal kind of way, and once he recovered from the actual impregnation process, was constantly after her. Donna found this both endearing and annoying as hell.

Donna and Joe decided the apartment wasn't big enough for their growing family, so they purchased a nice split level ranch style home with some cash Joe had hidden, that he previously claimed he lit on fire, but had actually been lying about. Mister Poo loved the big backyard! They started getting things ready for the baby (who also turned out to be a girl....they decided to name her Stephanie in honor of Hyde.)

One day, Joe was trying to get the nursery ready, and Donna was really crabby! He had paint strips taped to the wall and was observing them carefully when Donna waddled in.

"Should we go with 'Lilac Dream' or 'Ultra Violet'?" he asked. "I like the 'Ultra Violet', but I think it's too dark."

"How about pink?" Donna asked. "It's a fucking _girl_! What _is_ it with you and purple?"

Joe got all butt hurt. "I _LIKE_ purple!" he exclaimed.

"Well, do whatever," Donna snapped. "You will anyway!" She plopped down in the rocker, roughly the size of a small buffalo. She was hot and miserable, and her back hurt. She looked down at her shirt. One of her boobs had leaked! "Fucking NICE!" she screamed.

"What?" said Joe, turning around. "Oh. Wow." He swallowed hard. Damn, that was sexy as hell! Joe felt a lightning bolt of animal lust surge through him.

Donna stomped off to change. Joe couldn't take his eyes off her ass. It was big and round and cuddly. He wanted to touch it so bad. He tried to focus on the paint strips but had lost all interest in them. In fact, he had basically lost interest in anything that wasn't Donna's vagina. He followed her into the bedroom. She had her shirt off and was digging through a drawer.

"None of my shit fits!" she screamed at him. "This is ALL your fault!"

"Oh," said Joe nervously. "What did I do?"

"Got me pregnant, dumbass!" Donna cried, throwing her wet bra at him. Joe looked at the bra and put it down. She stood there with her hands on her hips, naked from the waist up and massively pregnant. She glared at him. Joe pulled his purple coat around him, trying to hide the boner she was giving him.

"I thought you wanted to get pregnant!" he exclaimed. "God, you confuse the hell out of me!" He gritted his teeth and tried to think about things that weren't sexy. 'Janet Reno-Janet Reno-Calista Flockhart- singing lady from England-Al Gore,' he thought. Thinking about Al Gore made him think about _Tipper_ Gore. Damn it. 'Micheal Douglas,' he thought. Instantly, he thought of Catherine Zeta Jones. It was hopeless. He would just have to try to control his raging desire.

Donna plopped down on the bed and started crying. "I'm so sorry, Joe!" she sobbed. "I just want what's best for Stephanie!" Joe sat down beside her, put his arm around her, and rubbed her back. She leaned into him and rested her head on his chest. "How can you love me when I'm so big and fat?" she cried.

"Believe me, it's not a problem," Joe responded.

"Really?" Donna asked. "You still think I'm pretty?"

"Oh ya," Joe said, truthfully. "You are sexy as hell!"

"Oh, Joe," Donna said, lying back on the bed. "Make love to me right now! Show me how much you want me!"

"Okay," said Joe. "You talked me into it."

This was turning out to be an awesome day! He put in the special sexy CD, and began singing REO Speedwagon to her. "'Cause I'm gonna keep on loving you....'cause it's the only thing I wanna do....." His singing wasn't great, but Donna smiled anyway. Mister Poo howled.

Chapter 24

Parenthood! And a major Drug Buy!

Pretty soon, everyone had their babies! Bruce handed out pink cigars, and Joe handed out pink pencils! It was really special. Jo and Steph were absolutely adorable!

They decided soon after their episiotomies healed that they needed a night out. Bruce talked his friends Rachel and Harvey into watching the kids for the evening, and they headed out. They were all in Bruce's limo.

"Alfred, take us to that place we go to buy drugs," Bruce called to Alfred, his friend who was driving.

"Okay," said Alfred. They sped down the street. Pretty soon, they pulled up to this place that looked to be an old McDonald's. Alfred used a key card to open the gate, and they pulled into the drive through.

"What the fuck!?" exclaimed Joe.

"This is the drive-through drug dealer," said Bruce. "You can come here if you're rich. It costs $10,000 a year to be a member. Do you want me to get you guys a membership?"

"Uh...yeah!" said Donna.

"Okay," said Bruce. "What does everyone want? My treat!"

Everyone looked intently at the menu. All the drugs and their prices were clearly posted. Some of the drugs had pictures of them.

"I'll have the weed, with a small side of Vicodin, and cocaine on the side," said Bruce. "Also, a small tea."

"That'll be $210.99," said a voice. "Would you like to supersize that?"

"No," said Bruce. "We have more orders though."

"Order when ready," said the voice.

"Do you want anything, Alfred?" called Bruce.

"No....well, maybe some weed, I guess," he replied.

"Add a medium weed," said Bruce.

"Anything to drink?" asked the voice.

"Jack and Coke," replied Alfred.

"All right," said the voice. "Continue when ready."

Joe looked at the menu intently. "I'll have a large Vicodin, a methamphetamine pie, a small order of LSD, and a small PCP." Donna hit him in the arm. "Okay, cancel the PCP and make it a Xanax," he said. "And a Jack and Coke to drink."

"I just want a medium weed," said Donna. "And a tequila sunrise."

"I'll have a small weed, a small Ketamine, and a strawberry daquari," Jackie said.

"Will that be all?" the voice asked.

"Yeah, and throw in a year's membership for my friends," Bruce said.

"Okay, sir, that'll be $16,943," the voice replied. "Please pull around to the first window."

Bruce dug around for his wallet.

"This is cool as hell," Joe said.


	7. Chapter 7

Strip Poker!

The four friends decided to go back to Jackie and Bruce's house because it was way nicer (and because the kids were getting babysat at Donna and Joe's). They all decided to play a fun game of strip poker. Even Alfred joined in! It was a lot of fun, because they were drinking and getting messed up in every way possible.

Joe kept winning, not because he was really a better poker player than anyone else, but just because he had more clothes on to start with. He got really cocky and thought he was a big deal, refusing to believe he wasn't just that good, and he and Donna got into a little tiff about it. They ran around screaming at each other, to the amusement of everyone else, and finally ended up having wild make-up sex in the bathroom.

Bruce, Jackie and Alfred sat at the table without their clothes on, passing around Bruce's diamond-encrusted bong.

"This shit's really good," Jackie giggled.

"It always is," said Bruce. "The drive through drug dealer has the best shit. Bill Gates told me about it."

Pretty soon, Donna and Joe made their way back to the table and started getting high, too. Alfred pulled out a handful of blue pills and threw them on the table. Joe swan dived the table and started cramming them in his mouth.

"What are these?" he asked, chewing them.

"Bitch, get off them! I want some!" Bruce screamed, grabbing a few pills and eating them. They started fighting over the pills. Bruce bitch-slapped Joe, and Joe pulled out a bazooka.

"You stupid assholes!" screamed Alfred. "They're Viagra! Now you guys are gonna have boners for the next week!"

"That's okay," said Bruce. "I didn't really have that much shit going on next week."

"Well, I DID!" screamed Joe. "And now I'm gonna be killing kittens instead! GREAT!"

"Well, you should have thought of that before you started eating em!" yelled Alfred. He walked off. "Fuck you guys!" he screamed.

"I don't really feel that horny," said Bruce.

"Me neither," said Joe. "Let's just keep getting drunk and high."

"Great idea!" said Bruce.

Wife Swap!

The next morning, Donna woke up with the worst headache imaginable. She blinked her eyes, and noticed she was not at home nor in her own bed. She actually seemed to be in Bruce and Jackie's bed! How strange! She couldn't remember anything, but apparently, they had stayed the night there. Donna noted that she was totally naked. This was kind of odd, but whatever! Joe was snoozing beside her, wrapped up in a blanket. She decided to wake him up and see if he could remember what had happened. But when she pulled the blanket off him, she saw that it was Bruce! Bruce was naked except for his mask and cape!

Donna was horrified! "JOE!!!!" she screamed.

"Huh?" came a voice from the foot of the bed. Joe sat up, blinking. He had apparently slept on a bearskin rug in front of the fireplace. "What happened? Where am I?" he asked. Joe was also in a state of undress. He had on his purple coat (of course) and one sock. He also had a handcuff on one wrist. He looked at it and wiggled it around. "Did I get arrested?"

By this time, Bruce was waking up, too. "Donna?" he said. "Why are you naked and in my bed?"

"What's going on?" Jackie yawned. She was on the floor by Joe, sharing a blanket with him. "Why are you mostly naked, Joe?" She looked down. "Why am I?"

"Son of a BITCH!" screamed Bruce.

"What?" said Joe.

"Look around Joe!" Bruce exclaimed. Joe scanned the situation.

"Okay," he said. "Did we have a wife swap or something?"

"I think we did," said Bruce.

"That's a nice costume," commented Joe. "It really makes you look like The Batman. Kill The Batman."

"Joe, be SERIOUS!" Donna screamed. Joe started to say something, and Jackie stopped him, putting her hand over his mouth.

"Now isn't the time," she said. Joe nodded. Jackie removed her hand, and Joe screamed, "Why so serious?"

Jackie jumped on him and started beating the shit out of him.

"I'm SICK of it, Joe!" she screamed. "NOT FUNNY!"

"Ow!" yelled Joe. "It was kind of funny. Ow, bitch! Get off me! You're giving me a boner!"

"You know, this is SO WRONG, on SO MANY levels," Bruce exclaimed.

"How?" asked Joe. "I don't remember anything! Does anyone else?" Everyone shook their heads.

"I kinda wish I remembered," Donna said, smiling slyly. "Bruce, you look really hot in your mask!" Bruce instantly had a hard-on.

Jackie crawled on top of Joe and started making out with him. "I've never done a guy with make-up on," she murmured. "Unless Bret Micheals counts as a guy!" Joe and Jackie both laughed.

"Well, you know what?" said Bruce. "We_ could_ just all go ahead and fuck right now, so we remember it, but then we'll pretend we didn't, and we can never talk about it again, or tell anyone." He wanted to screw Donna BAD!

"Sounds good to me," Joe responded. Jackie jumped on top of him and started fucking him like there was no tomorrow.

Bruce climbed on top of Donna, and they, too began their adulterous liason.

After all the sex was done, the gang felt kind of awkward. They headed over to Donna and Joe's so Bruce and Jackie could pick up Josephine.

"Did you guys have fun?" Harvey asked.

"I guess," replied Joe.

"Huh?" asked Rachael.

"I don't wanna talk about it," said Bruce.

"Are you guys okay?" Harvey asked.

"Uh, yeah," said Donna. "Thanks for watching the kids!" She hugged them both.

Everyone exchanged hugs, and then went home. Joe and Donna were left alone (well, except for Stephanie, but she was taking a nap.)

"Are you gonna make something to eat?" Joe asked.

"No," screamed Donna. "Why don't you get Jackie to do it?"

"I thought we weren't gonna talk about that," Joe said.

"Well, I'm not eating," said Donna. "Because I'm not as skinny as Jackie! I want you to still find me attractive."

"I KNEW that was a fucking mistake!" Joe yelled. "Donna, you are WAY hotter than her!"

"Really?" Donna asked, miffed. "Well, YOUR DICK didn't seem to think so!"

"You were in on it, too!" Joe cried.

"I don't wanna discuss this any more!" Donna said, grabbing her purse. "I'm going shopping! Take care of Stephanie!" She slammed the door.

"My life sucks," said Joe, to no one.

Snoop Dogg!

Donna came home several hours later, with a bunch of shit she had bought. She had also gotten a new hairstyle and manicure, and was feeling a bit better.

When she opened the front door, a cloud of pot smoke drifted out. "Fucking Joe!" she thought.

She went into the living room, and there sat Joe, in a recliner. On the couch, sat none other than Snoop Dogg! Both of them turned around and looked at her, eyes glazed and red. They each had a bong. Stephanie, apparently, was still sleeping.

"Did you get some food? Some Nibs?" Joe asked. "I'm starving!"

"Fo' shizzle, my nizzle!" Snoop exclaimed!

"'Sup homie G?" Donna replied. "Joe, why is Snoop Dogg at our house again?"

"I'm just hangin' with my peeps," Joe responded.

"We just smokin' a little sticky icky icky," said Snoop. Donna glared at him, and he shut up.

"Guess I better go," said Snoop. He and Joe bumped fists together. "Stay cool, playa."

"Peace out, Dee Oh double Gizzle," Joe responded. Snoop left.

Donna glared at Joe. "What did I say about having Snoop Dogg over here?"

"Why you always gotta be hatin?"Joe asked. "Am I gonna have to bust a cap in yo' ass, my baby mama?"

"Joe, you're WHITE," Donna said.

"Fo' shizzle," Joe responded. Donna sighed.

"Joe, we have to set a good example for Stephanie!" Donna exclaimed. "Why do you always have to act like this."

"Because," said Joe. "You are too damn serious! You know how I hate that! Why can't you lighten up?"

"Bruce doesn't act that way," Donna replied. Joe sighed.

"Why do you always gotta compare me to him?" Joe asked. "Is he a better fuck than I am, too?"

"Joe, that isn't fair!" Donna screamed. "You fucked Jackie, too!"

"Well, I didn't WANT to," said Joe. "I did it because you wanted to do that swapping thing."

"Well, it looked to ME like you were okay with it!" Donna yelled.

"How did you even notice?" Joe asked. "You were so busy screaming and moaning." His lip quivered.

Donna sat down beside him.

"Oh, Joe," she said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. But you hurt me, too! I just imagine you comparing me to Jackie."

"Baby, you're the only one for me!" Joe exclaimed. They embraced.

"Can we please never talk about this again?" Donna asked.

"That would be fucking awesome!" Joe responded.


End file.
